Two Years Ago Still feels Like Yesterday
An anonymous #SurvivorStory
Two years ago
How can two years ago feel like yesterday?
How can two years ago feel like this morning? How can two years ago feel like two seconds ago?
How can someone tell me two years ago means nothing?
Two years ago he was 36 I was 19.
Two years ago you would have said just say no.
Two years ago you would have blamed me.
Two years ago still has its hold on me.
I blame it on everything. Not being able to breath that’s not from something being on top of me that’s from your hands wrapped around my neck with my back up against the wall after I repeated no.
No, no, no.. That’s what they told me to say right? Just say no you don’t want to. Just say no you’re uncomfortable. So what happens when no isn’t right when it turns to silence and turns into a fight. What happens when my cry’s and my punches to your shoulder and my struggle to get away from your body doesn’t work?
Why didn’t you accept no that day?
They tell me over and over no is ok but why didn’t it work that day?
Why do they tell me to use a word that’s broken and doesn’t work?
Why isn’t no ok?
I was so confused that day. I said I didn’t want a relationship you said ok. You said you even felt the same way.
So why are we out here standing on this concrete slab your hands around my ass?
Why are you pulling me in so tight that my waist is over your shoulder toes barely on the ground?
Why is my head going blank realizing this isn’t a game? What is this laugh coming out of my mouth? What is this grunt as I try to push away? Can you feel the punches going into your shoulder? Can you feel my palms and my torso push away from you as my waste is stuck beneath your grasp?
I look through the glass and wonder what’s bound to happen next.
All of a sudden you drop me now’s my chance.
I run to the driver side door and stop and stare wondering if you ever really cared.
I jump in the car and speed away.
I check the rear view mirror to make sure you’re not there.
I can’t even make it down the street as everything turns into a glare I pull over in tears.
The next day you’re there on that screen I stare as I read your name and the message you dared to send to me.
I knew you’d be there controlling me and you knew when you left you’d always be there haunting me.
You were a self-defense instructor. Someone who’s supposed to care.
Someone’s who’s supposed to teach me to protect myself. Instead you taught me not to trust myself.
You taught me to question myself.
You taught me to think I’m to weak. Now I just stop and freeze. You’re always there to greet the people I meet.
You’re always there in my darkest dreams. Even when I think I’m free there you are choking me.
I fight for air realizing you’re not there.
I try to act like I didn’t end up there. There in that room with you on top of me.
There in that room with you choking me.
It really isn’t fair. To be sent back there to be reminded of that fear. To get stuck there.
I went there yesterday to that spot where no got erased. To that spot my trust was replaced to that spot where fear became embraced. To that spot where strength got replaced and weakness took its place.
Who I’m I supposed to face? Who I’m I supposed to embrace? Where do I pull my faith?
Why wasn’t no put in its place? Why did you have to take it away?
I sat there in that spot five feet away from where I lost myself that day. I watched as it got dark around me. I watched her walk up to you so young so naive. I watched you pick her up as she struggled with that nervous laugh. I watched her panic as she looked through that glass when all of a sudden I was taken back and felt a shiver down my back. It didn’t stop there it started right above where you grabbed my ass then the shiver went straight up my back and I couldn’t relax.
I threw that car in drive and started speeding away that night. Then I seen her in her car holding back the tears so the road wouldn’t be so much as a glare as she sped out of there. I ended up next to her. I wanted to help her and to show her I cared but even she knew we weren’t getting out of there. I came to McCarren where I knew she couldn’t see through the glare.
I sat there and watched as she felt no one cared. She turned right I turned left cause I knew I couldn’t go back there where the darkness filled the air. I wish she knew how much I cared that for the next two years I’d be the only one that cared.
One day she’ll find a way out of there but for now she’s stuck there.