Secrets Locked Away
A #SurvivorStory by Karma
I was eleven, at a sleepover, and so unprepared to face what would happen. I barley knew about sex, let alone rape. Consent was something I’ve only heard of. It started as truth or dare, and I was dared to take off my clothes and climb into a sleeping bag with another naked boy. That was the first time I was touched. Then I was dared to give oral. I was so scared, I even said no, but it was a dare, and I had to deal it, so they said. Then I was dared to bend over. I said I was done, that was it. So i went to bed. They woke me up later saying it’s no fun with three. I finally said ‘fine, one more dare.’ Little did I know what it would turn into. Again in was dared to take off my clothes, but this time I was told to bend over. He was older than me by a few years, and I felt his hands on my sides, holding me in place. When he . . . Fuck when he pulled me in, I’d never felt so wrong. I tried to grab onto the carpet and pull myself away, but he pulled me back in, this time harder. The sound I made wasn’t human, it wasn’t me, and I’ll never forget it. I still feel his nails digging into my sides. I still see the hunger in his eyes. Nearly every day I feel it all over again and it feels like it’ll never end. It took me seven years to tell a soul. I can honestly say I’ve never had a good night’s sleep again. I’ve never felt truly safe since. Every time I feel like I’ve moved on it all comes rushing back. I said no, I tried to get away, and I couldn’t until he let me go. I’ve never felt so empty or broken. And even now it’s hard to call it rape, it’s like it’s something you hear about, but never happens to you. I cant even call it rape out loud. I don’t know what’s worse, the event itself or feeling it over and over again. I still hate being touched. And now I have knifes by my bed, just in case. Maybe I’ll never be ok, maybe I’ll never move on, but I do know that I was eleven years old when I was raped. And I know that next time they better have a gun because you’ll have to kill me before I let that happen again.