Raped by my husband
A #SurvivorStory by Coming Out of the Dark
I’m almost free from you. After 20 years of dealing with your shit (over half my life), I’m almost free. Free from your lies, free from your manipulations, free from the hell that is being near you and having to deal with you.
In the beginning, everything was wonderful. You said all the things a girl wants to hear. We had a perfect life, bought a house, had a baby, all the things people are supposed to do. But how was I to know you were a wolf in sheep’s clothing?
For so long you’ve tried to make me feel like it was all my fault. Like I was supposed to serve you and your needs. And if I dared to disagree with you then you would make sure everyone around you knew what a disgusting person I was, like my feelings didn’t matter. You consistently put me down, insulted me, made me feel like less of a person.
I now know it wasn’t my fault when you encouraged your friend to corner me in our kitchen and grope my breasts. He stopped when he could see I was scared and uncomfortable. You encouraged him to go farther but he saw the fear in my eyes and thankfully stopped. However, a few days later you decided that I should “perform my wifely duties.” I told you no but you continued on. Unlike your friend, you didn’t stop. You decided you were going to take what you wanted. You covered my mouth so that our daughter couldn’t hear me scream and cry as you raped me. You told me to shut up and lie there and take it, that you were my husband and you were going to fuck me no matter how hard I fought you. You outweighed me by 70 lbs and used to be a wrestler. As I felt you enter me, felt you violate me, I began to cry. Cry that there was no way out. Sadly, this wasn’t the last time you would do this to me. I believe you were trying to show me you were in control and punishing me for rejecting your idea that I should sleep with your friend, like I was just a toy to be passed around. The first time, I fought back. But you only fucked me harder, as if you got some sick pleasure from my pain. The times after, I just closed my eyes and prayed for it to be over, prayed that our daughter wouldn’t hear, prayed that I wouldn’t get pregnant. Prayed to God and asked him why someone who was supposed to love me would do this.
It’s taken 10 years to say out loud that you raped me. I feel sick when I have to be around you. But soon, I will be free.
It’s taken a long time for me to realize although you tried so many times to break me, I have come out on the other side. It’s been 10 years and I can now say I WILL survive. I refuse to let you take up any more space in my head.
And one day, when those around you have tired of your narcissistic way, you will be left all alone. But I will have moved on.