“Rape Me” written on my head.

“Rape Me” written on my head

A #SurvivorStory by Zelena

I was 18 when I realized what happened to me. I was sleeping in a dorm and woke up wanting to jump out of my skin because I dreamt of her… remembered her. I felt her hovering over me, felt the confusing sensation of my body betraying me as she put her fingers inside me, her tongue inside me in my sleep, and I peed myself at maybe 8-9 years old. Until that night I had forgotten all about it. As a preteen after that first encounter, all of my sexual desires were for girls and I didn’t understand why. After I recalled that night, I realized it was because in being raped in my sleep by a female and not knowing what was happening, I was also aroused by that woman. I was ashamed of that feeling of self betrayal and disgusted to be in my own skin. I tried to replace the feeling of her inside of me by sleeping with any guy I felt powerful enough to overwhelm with seduction. That didn’t work, I couldn’t feel any sexual sensation and was emotionally numb. The same year I remembered what happened, I went on a double date with a friend and we ended up at one of the guys houses playing cards. When she went to the bathroom one held me down while the other put his penis in my mouth threatening me not to bite. They switched places holding me and the other raped me from behind. My friend yelled at the door begging them to open. After that day I thought I was worthless and deserved to be raped… that there was obviously something about me specifically that made people want to hurt me. I felt too dirty and deserving of it all to tell anyone… after all the guy did say I was nothing but a whore. I was raped at 19 by my brother on a visit to my parents house. Growing up I always felt he had a crush on me. I’d catch him staring, complimenting odd things about my appearance, and once when we were kids playing hide and seek in the dark, he laid on top of me and put his hands in my underwear. I never told because I didn’t want him to get a beating . As he shushed me and pulled out his penis I cried and asked why…he told me he’d always loved me. I fought him for a little while then I decided it was better to get it over with since this was clearly a thing people did to me. I stilled myself, trying not to wake my parents as to not be embarrassed by them finding me with my brother inside of me. My mother found me outside half naked in the snow, banging on a neighbor’s door and she slapped me and told me not to ruin her family. My parents let me go to the hospital alone and accompanied my brother to the police station. Later that year I left my hometown, homeless with no plan but to start a new and free life in another state. I was staying with a friend who told me her uncle and brother were taking us out to dinner. I was down because we were broke and I was hungry so I agreed to go. Once we got in the car she said she forgot her purse and jumped out. They sped off and told me she gave me to them to sell. I went numb. They took me to a huge dark house with lots of rooms and told me they had to sample the product. They poured Amsterdam down my throat and raped me front and back. I escaped in the morning while they were asleep. I hated to be touched after that… I haven’t been able to fully enjoy sex most of my marriage because I couldn’t figure out how to turn my body back on. It was like it automatically shut down and so did my mind at the first sign of being touched. This year I am finally able to enjoy being with my husband without the shadows of everyone who defiled me.

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