I Didn’t Know I Was Raped

I Didn’t Know I Was Raped

A #SurvivorStory by Molly

Grass stains on my back and blood in my jeans

I gain consciousness while my body is jerked like a rag doll

My eyes focus on the hazy streetlights as I try to make sense of my surroundings I hear his zipper as he’s walking away

So, I pull up my jeans and stumble back to the party

I start to rearrange the reality into something more bearable;

I wanted this.

But my virginity was not supposed to be taken in a classmate’s yard without my consent

It was supposed to be given to someone who cared, who deserved it

So I follow him as he ignores me determined to make that my story

Only to realize we are not lovers, not even friends

He pretends nothing happened so I settle on rejection over rape because who at 18 could accept that truth?

I absorb this belief as it sinks its teeth into my self esteem

Creating deep wounds, I won’t uncover for years

Slut.

The blame falls on me when she finds out, and I start to see the truth

I am the scapegoat

I am something to be hidden in the shadows of shame

I am nothing to him but a body that conveniently couldn’t fight back

But rather than make anyone uncomfortable I accept my new truth

I let this happen

As if I had any say while unconscious on the ground

With no one in my corner I accept my fate as a slut, a bitch, a mess.

I am at fault, I am unworthy.

A bad friend. A bad person.

I am nothing.

So I resolve to become nothing to myself

Detached and casual about sex; because at least that’s still my choice

But I’m a party girl with a secret; this isn’t really me. I never wanted this.

But it’s too late now.

So I swallow every hope I had for my own love story

With the morning after pill he begged me to take.

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