Haunted

Haunted

A #SurvivorStory by Lily Michelle

She locked herself in the bathroom and stared into the mirror. She was looking at herself, but the world didn’t seem as familiar as before. In her eyes, she saw a different person—she saw someone else. Face distorted, body morphed, the world suddenly moving through a fish eyed lens. She took a good hard look into her eyes, she had tried for so long to hold herself back. She kicked her old habit, but it was making a successful comeback in this moment.

She collapsed to her knees, clawing at her scalp and bringing her neck in close to her chest.

“Not again” she thought.

“Please not again” she cried.

She is consumed in her nature, it swallows her whole and doesn’t bother to digest her. It just keeps her trapped in a dark place with no way to look out, no way to bolt. She feels it in her gut but it pours through her mouth and down her cheeks.

It comes and goes, it doesn’t deserve a personification, it doesn’t deserve any praise at all. Take no notice to it, it deserves to be neglected; it deserves nothing. However, she praised it and used it as a lifeline.

She cracked herself long before, but he completely crippled her. He reminded her of how disgusting she was, how worthless and utterly unimportant she is. He reminded her why you don’t trust men with a god complex and why you never let anyone else pour your drink. He tarnished her in ways that she’ll never be able to scrub clean. No amount of cleansing or purging would allow her to take control of her own body again. Deep down she knew this, but she was determined to do anything to regain some stability in her life.

She lies in bed at night peering up at her blank ceiling. She used to go on walks to stare off into space but now lacks the energy to merely turn over. Seeping back into her head, she replays his actions as though it’s happening all over again. She even dreams about it.

Her thoughts spiral while she fades and it grows and it doesn’t stop growing until it reaches her throat. After days of pretending as though nothing happened, after days of pretending it isn’t getting to her again, she comes to the realization that her world is crashing. Her body has been stolen by him and taken over by it. She’s losing herself.

She locks herself in the bathroom and stares into the mirror. She was looking at herself, but the world didn’t seem as familiar as before. She was different, but she didn’t care. It got what it wanted. He got what he wanted.

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