Bad Decisions and The Biggest Regret of my Life
A #SurvivorStory by Ivonne
I was only 15-16 and he was 18-19 (I can’t remember the exact age). We were sort of neighborhood friends, but not really. I never knew him personally. I just knew him because one of my friends had dated him and had asked me to stalk him a couple of times.
My girl friend was sexually mature at a young age. She had lost her virginity in middle school and would tell me about her sexual adventures. I never understood sex or how it ever got that far. I knew what it was, but never understood the urge to do that with another human being…
His name was Jose. He was a criminal back then and sent to juvie often. I was texting him one night and had told him I wasn’t a virgin (even though I was). I was curious about what sex was like because my friend always talked about it, so I wanted to try it.
It was late one night when I snuck out of my house and snuck into his window. We started kissing on his bed, and he took my clothes off, etc. As soon as he tried to put his dick inside of me, I told him to stop numerous times. I wasn’t ready and I knew my body wasn’t ready, but he was man-handling me and forceful. He was a-lot stronger than me and wouldn’t take NO or STOP for an answer. He wouldn’t let me leave until he was finished.
It was the worst pain I had felt in my life. I had a pillow to my face, crying and yelling. And it wasn’t a sexual grabbing of the pillow or moaning, they were cries of pain and fear.
I couldn’t have yelled for his mom to hear because I had snuck out of the house and she didn’t know I was there. I had done something wrong to begin with and feared my family would punish me for sneaking out, and would’ve rather died than to have let them know.
After the fact, I had tried to continue talking to him. I thought ” i might as well since he took something precious from me”. My mentality was warped. It never worked out that way and I had never loved him.
I actually recall going over to his house once afterwards to borrow a movie. We ended up wrestling for over an hour because he wouldn’t stop harassing and assaulting me. He wouldn’t let me go, he kept grabbing and man-handling me. He wouldn’t let me leave his house and kept saying things like “you’ don’t like this?” While he kept inappropriately touching me. I ran away free that day. If only I could’ve gotten away the first time.
To this day I regret everything. I regret sneaking out of my house that night. If things were different I would’ve called the cops or told my family about it, but I kept it inside for a long time. When I finally told my family about it, they didn’t believe me. My grandma would still call me years after and ask if it was a lie.
So to everyone out there who claims all victims of rape are liars, think twice. Everyone’s story is different. And I still feel like an idiot and feel that it was my fault.
Sometimes I picture what life could’ve been like if I had met the love of my life, instead of making myself go through something ridiculous and traumatizing.
I actually told someone my story once, and he claimed my story wasn’t rape. Does anyone else agree? I think men don’t understand what it’s like to be forced to have sex, especially as a young lady with no sexual urges and no sexual experience. I was sodomized that night in every way possible, and I think men who have never been sodomized violently will never understand.