A survivor story by Esme
Remember when we first started dating. it was in the summer. we went back to ur house and it was home alone. we laid in bed together and u kissed me. i didn’t like it but i knew it made u happy so i didn’t care. it wasn’t the worst thing to do anymore. i remember we were cuddling and u took my hand. i thought u were gonna hold it. but u moved it. and u put my hand down ur pants. i was too scared to say anything. what if u got mad and got violent. there was no one there to hear me so i stayed quiet. u wrapped my hand around u and u put ur hand around mine. i was paralyzed. i was so scared and i was tearing up. but i didn’t want u to hear so i stayed silent. i felt like i couldn’t breath. i prayed that nothing else would happen and it didn’t. and finally it was over and u left the room. and i felt worthless and disgusting. and that night i cut myself for the first time in almost a year. i cut my hand. the next time we hung out i was nervous but i soon forgot all about it. then u did it again and again and again. each and every time i was scared the same way. and then it got worse. u started grabbing my butt and putting ur hands up my shirt. u wouldn’t ask. but i was too scared to say anything because i thought u would leave me. then it got worse. u started putting ur hands down my pants. and i’d tell u no and u would keep trying. and i clearly said no. saying no was so scary to me. and u wouldn’t listen. u kept doing it. u didn’t listen to me. u made me feel worthless, disgusting, undeserving. and i thought it was okay because u didn’t hit me or scream or hurt me. after a while i just wanted to forget about it. so when u’d try again i’d try to enjoy it. so i could replace those horrible memories with pretty new ones. i remember when we finally had sex. i thought it was because u loved me. i was so excited. i remember u were struggling and u finally got mad and just shoved urself inside me. u didn’t care for my feelings, u didn’t care that it hurt me u just cared about yourself. and u did it again and again and it was finally over. u didn’t tell me u loved me, u didn’t look me in my eyes and tell my pretty things. u just took me. and i remember u left and u didn’t cuddle me. i remember u wanted to play video games right after. so while u did that i laid in bed crying. making sure i was silent. i asked u if u wanted to do it again. so i can replace this awful memory with something pretty. i thought maybe dis time he’ll love me and tell me nice things. but it was the same. only now at least it didn’t hurt. but u didn’t even care if i had cummies. u only cared about yourself. and u told me to put my clothes back on. i felt disgusting again. i felt worthless. i felt undeserving of love and ur care. after that things went downhill. u stopped telling me pretty things and u stopped loving me. u stopped choosing me first. u stopped making me feel special. i think that’s all u wanted. u wanted to fuck a virgin. that’s it. i remember you made a big deal about it when i told u i never kissed a guy or liked a guy or that i never had sex. and u loved me. why don’t u love me now? i gave u what u wanted. i thought that would make u love me more. u only like me when i was a virgin and now u think i’m useless. i know it. am i not special anymore? 🙁
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