“2017 the worst year of my life to date” — By Lana D
2017 I was sexually assaulted
By a work colleague after a work party.
This is someone who is 20 years my senior, someone i respected.
I woke up completely naked laying next to this person in their apartment. No knowledge of the night before, instantly panicked set in i asked ” what happend?” I was told ” you did nothing wrong” I got out the apartment as fast as i could, i cried the whole way home in the cab. When i got home i realised my ankle was completely swollen, i was covered in bruises. I told my boyfriend what happened and their response was ” go the police or i will tell everyone in your work place you just slept with him” i wanted to die.
I askes this person “did anything happen?” Which i was told” no you was too drunk you couldn’t tell me where you lived so i brought you back here” i believed it desperately because i wanted too.
My relationship was in ruins, i felt worthless. I felt like i deserved everything happening around me. This person preyed on this, we proceeded to have a friendship this person was giving everything i needed, that wasn’t getting from my partner. I felt comfortable with this person to share my problems i was having, not only in my relationship but in life.
The few people i told of the event kept telling me ” this doesn’t make.sense ? If you was too drunk, to know where you live why did they sleep in the same bed? why didn’t they go in your phone and try ring someone for your address ? Why was you naked ?” I didn’t want to believe.
Memories continued to come back from that night, ‘ i was being guided into the bedroom i then fell to the floor, it goes black,i then open my eyes its dark,i can feel stubble of my face’. I continued to tell myself ‘ i would have wanted it, i like this person, they wouldn’t do this ‘ 3 months after that night i a finally asked ” did something happen that night ?” Which this person proceeded to go into explicit detail of what happened . ” i begged him to F*** me” , but lets remember i was too drunk to know where i lived ? Which in the 12 years i have been going out drinking that has never happened.
But i continued to be manipulated by this person and believed every word. I made the worst mistake of my life by meeting up for a drink, which lead to having sex in his apartment. I thought i was getting control,but i wasn’t i fell straight into the honey trap.
Soon after this all becomes clear, the contact stopped outside of work . That was it, well i couldn’t have been sexually assaulted if i slept with this person again ?
My world fell apart , my relationship continued to fall apart, i drank heavy every chance i got, i distance myself from close family and friends.I hated myself, I allowed by partner to treat me like a piece of trash because ” I deserve it because what i have done” i would tell myself.
3 months later i finally mentally broke down, not only this event everything over the last few years came pouring out.
I am currently suffering with anxiety and depression, at my lowest i planned to end it all. This person i would have to see every day was too much, the thought if everyone knew.
But i have hung in there , and each day i am stronger . Some days i fall apart but that is OK its not a race, i will get there.
Its my life , my soul and i will be OK.
I apologise for my terrible grammar/ spelling its 12:30 am and i can’t sleep.